Yo 2025 me,
What’s popping? It’s October 12th, 2022, and I’m sprawled on the dorm floor because Jake (roomie, remember?) stole my bed to nap off his hangover. Classic. Just aced a stats quiz I swear I didn’t study for – don’t ask how, maybe brain cells finally kicked in. Three years from now, you better be less of a disaster. Or at least a functional disaster.
First up: COVID. Please tell me we’re not still sanitizing our groceries. Last week, the RA tried to enforce “mask mandates during movie night” and half the floor booed. Some freshman made a TikTok of her “quarantine aesthetic” – you know, the one with fairy lights and a N95? It got 10k likes, which is wild. Do people even mention the pandemic in 2025? Or did we all delete it from our memories like that time we tried to bleach our hair and ended up looking like a highlighter?
Speaking of TikTok – remember when we stayed up till 3 a.m. mastering that “Cuff It” dance? Beyoncé’s album was on loop so hard, Jake threatened to hide our speaker. By 2025, is there a new app everyone’s obsessed with? Like, something even dumber than BeReal? Please don’t say we’re back to Snapchat streaks. I’d rather rewatch Cats (the movie, not the musical. Never the musical).
Elon Musk’s Twitter chaos – did that ever calm down? Dude fired half the staff, then rehired them, then renamed it “X”? What a clown. By 2025, is it a ghost town, or did he somehow make it worse? And the Roe v. Wade mess – we marched in June, chanted till our throats hurt, and that frat guy with the MAGA hat yelled “abortion is murder” while chugging a Natty Light. Ugh. Any progress there? Or are we still arguing with boomers on Facebook? (Please say Facebook’s dead. Please.)
Marco update: He’s in Spain, still sending chaotic Snapchats – yesterday it was him wearing a sombrero, chugging sangria, and yelling “Viva la fiesta!” He hooked up with a girl who’s obsessed with Euphoria – remember when we binged that and felt weirdly old? Now it’s all The Last of Us edits. Pedro Pascal’s everywhere, but low-key, we had a crush. Don’t deny it.
Campus life’s… evolving. Half our classes are in-person, but the library got these “metaverse study pods” – you put on a VR headset and “sit” with people from other schools. It’s weird, but better than fighting for a table. Oh, and Trader Joe’s? We still blow $50 a week on frozen dumplings. No regrets.
Big questions for 2025 you: Did we graduate? Please say yes. If not, are we at least trying to adult? Like, do we know how to do taxes? Or fold a fitted sheet? (Mom still laughs at us for that.) Did we finish that screenplay? The one about the meme star who becomes president? Kinda feels prophetic now, tbh.
Random: Do we still have that ratty hoodie with the coffee stain? The one we wore to every exam? Sarah says it’s “lucky,” but I think it’s just gross. Also, did Sarah ever get over her crush on the TA? She wrote his name in her notebook 47 times. I counted.
Whatever’s up, hope you’re good. If life’s sucking, eat a pint of Phish Food. If it’s great, call Dad – he still cries when we say “I love you.” And if you see Marco, tell him his Spanish still sounds like a parrot. He’ll laugh.
See you in 2025, loser. Don’t screw it up.
Your 2022 self (still wearing those stained Adidas slides. They’re vintage now.)
If TikTok’s still a thing, show the kids our “Cuff It” video. They’ll think it’s retro. And if not? Burn the evidence.